Izzy's Blog

it’s been a while (for posting and this relationship)

igodoy — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 09:51:32 +0000

As any other blogger who focuses on the self, I have neglected to post. Today is as good of a day as any to start up again, even if it is this one time (which it most likely is).

3 years+ That is the number I have been in this relationship. It isn’t a large number compared to many, many others, but the amount of time is still significant. Before I begin on this rant, I want to make it very clear that I love my boyfriend and in no way is this a complaint about him or our relationship. I take back the latter- this probably is somewhat of a complaint about our relationship.

I have been with my boyfriend since before I could legally drink in the US. That’s crazy, right? That he would have to buy me alcohol because he was of age 4 years before me? I have known two “love of my life” type people and he is one of them. I will add that my “number” exceeds this two, so I have no regret there.

I just wonder… could I make it work with someone else? Am I really limited to this person snoring beside me right now? The bigger question I ask myself is…am I ever going to feel that rush of excitement that you get from a new relationship?

That’s the big question because I have developed another mini-crush. There’s a level of excitement from seeing this guy that I haven’t gotten from my boyfriend. Matt and I have our inside, couple-y things, but it has no… butterflies in stomach feeling. I miss that. And, I miss gossiping with girlfriends about the latest news with us. There is no news anymore. It’s so safe and so boring.

With this new guy, there are stolen eye moments when we look at each other and there’s a connection. It’s something undeveloped and suppressed. So, I wonder if it possible to make it work with anyone else or is this really it for me? I’ll never know- I’m not willing to risk it. My boyfriend really is the love of my life. But, I wouldn’t mind getting some of that spark back…

Today was a good day for no reason

igodoy — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:54:22 +0000

You know how some days you wake up, and without anything special happening that day, you just get that good feeling that today is going to be a good day? Today was one of those days for me. The sun was out in Chicago, and the weather was a perfect fall cool temperature with little wind. I woke up early on a Sunday to sing in church. When I was there, I was just overwhelmed by this feeling of love, then my day proceeded to be a good day. It was productive with a couple hours of GRE math studying, and I had some time to relax and watch the Bears game at my cousin’s house. Nothing spectacular happened, yet it was still a really good day. These kind of days are hard to come by and are a blessing. I have no idea how to recreate it and obtain that feeling of love and goodness or if it can be recreated at all. I hope it does because this feeling is something heavenly and I want it every day! And, I hope you have heavenly days as well

You can’t handle the truth

igodoy — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 04:44:07 +0000

Honesty and lies. Two exact opposites. If people were given a choice, a straight-forward choice, most people would probably say they’d prefer honesty over lies. I think people are lying when they say they want the honesty. Most people would prefer a “sugar-coated” or “watered-down” version of honesty because they can’t handle the entire truth.

There are varying degrees of dulled-down honesty. For example, when someone asks, “How do I look in this outfit? Your honest opinion.” Do you ever say, “I think it looks hideous on you.” No. You would say something like this, “It’s nice, but I don’t think it highlights your features.” You both inherently agreed to ignore the honest opinion request because you wouldn’t want to insult your friend or hurt his/her feelings. This example may be relatively harmless, but what happens when it’s more serious, like a performance assessment, someone’s serious boyfriend/girlfriend, some type of major life change? Do you still say what your honest opinion is or do you dull it down because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?

Most of my friends know that I’m the brutal kind of honesty. I say my opinion without any sugar-coating. Most people find it mean, and very few people appreciate it. My honesty is probably why a lot of people don’t come to me for advice. When someone wants advice, they usually want to hear what they want to hear, they rarely want to hear what they need to hear. Honest people say what they need to hear, and liars say what they want to hear. A lot of people will give advice somewhere in between. It’ll be a little bit of what they need to hear and a little bit of what they want to hear, and usually the advice giver holds some of his/her opinion inside because he/she thinks the advice seeker can’t handle the entire truth. There’s probably a lot of opinion and advice we aren’t hearing from our friends and family. Maybe all of our lives would be better if we told it all and we actually opened ourselves up for the whole truth.

Even though I am the brutally honest person, I admit there are times when I can’t always handle the truth. I usually break down in some emotional fit and start blaming everything and everyone I can except myself. That’s my initial reaction. Because I am an honest person, I’m also honest with myself. An honest person can’t ignore the truth, and I never can ignore it. I’ll begin to reflect about what was said and what I was doing. In the end, I’ll typically admit that the other person is right especially if the other person was honest and truthful to me.

I may not be able to handle honesty and the truth all of the time, but I know I’m still more open to hearing it when someone says it to me than a lot of other people are. I’m willing to hear how I can be better and to reflect on how I’m doing. Not a lot of people are willing to do either, not completely. And, a lot of people aren’t willing to be honest when called to be honest. If you do anything, please be honest with yourself and reflect about who you are and who you want to be. Hopefully, you won’t want to be a liar to yourself or to anyone else.

Life block

igodoy — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:11:33 +0000

I want to get better at something everyday. I never want to waste a day and sit at home doing nothing. That’s what I want, but it’s not exactly what I’m doing. Right now, I don’t have a job or attend school. I graduated last June and didn’t look for a job because I didn’t want to commit to a full-time job for a year since I was planning on going to an East Coast grad school in Fall 2010.

The schools I want to attend are some of the best for student affairs. They want good GRE scores, excellent recommendations, a thought-out personal statement, and a stellar resume. I only have the resume and time is starting to rune out. I have two months to get everything together before my first application is due. I started my personal statement and practiced a lot of GRE problems, but I haven’t contacted anyone for a recommendation yet. I know that to get into these schools I have to work at my application nearly every day to make it better than the majority of applicants.

Without a job or schoolwork, I have a lot of time to do something each day, but I’m mostly doing nothing each day. (Facebook, you really are a waste of time!) I have the time and the incentive exists. What’s stopping me from going after what I want? You know how there’s writer’s block? Is there something called life block? It’s a writer’s block but to an elevated degree. How do people find motivation? If you have any ideas, please let me know because I’m becoming more complacent and lazy every day…

Express yourself.

igodoy — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:06:41 +0000

The artists, performance or visual, have it easy. They have their art to express whatever it is they feel. The rest of us don’t have that luxury, and we have to find a way to release whatever it is we feel.

For the people who don’t have art, how do they express themselves? Do they talk to their significant others, friends, and family until all the emotion is drained? Do they write in journals or blogs? I think a lot of my 20-something friends use Facebook status and Twitter to say what they feel. I used to do that too, but I hated being censored because the person who I didn’t want to see would see it. My solution was to start a blog and tell almost no one about it. So, here it is…

All of us need to say what we feel and to express what we think. Many people bottle everything inside, especially non-empathic people, and a lot of people will talk to their closest confidants. Few people will speak to a counselor or psychoanalyst. While some of those are good solutions and others aren’t, none of them were what worked best for me. I asked Sam and a Sister if a blog would be a good idea. They both said yes. In less than a month, I have found this blog to be a therapeutic method to express everything I feel and think.

I always think. I can’t stop. I will stay awake until 3 in the morning thinking about everything, big ideas or small errands. About six months ago, I bought a journal to get rid of a lot of my thoughts, but I didn’t write in it enough. I would write slower than I thought, so as I’m finishing writing a sentence I would have already moved onto a new thought. Blogging is different. I can type as quickly as I think, and thank goodness I can type pretty fast. I don’t know if I say anything particularly profound in this blog or if I say anything that resonates with you, but if I were to give you some advice, please find a way to express whatever it is you feel. If you don’t, you’ll drive yourself insane with everything you think and feel. I did.

PS.

Please don’t make your clothes your form of self-expression. People who say that are on “What Not To Wear.” I don’t want you to be one of those people on that show.

Shoes are very important

igodoy — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:41:13 +0000

I’m not a very fashionable woman. I don’t own a lot of stylish or classic clothes, buy a lot of make-up, or do my hair, but I still know that shoes are very important to the outfit. You know how at weddings, it’s the details that make it from meh to WOW? It’s the same exact things for shoes. Shoes make or break the outfit and they tie it all together. They are just as important as your pants, skirt, blouse, or jacket. People notice your shoes just as much as they notice your clothes. And, you should always wear the right shoes for the occassion.

I admit, I’m very often guilty of wearing the wrong shoes for the occassion. My default shoes are usually tennis shoes and flip-flops because of their comfort, but even those should be the right tennis shoes and the right flip-flops. I’m still guilty of wearing the wrong tennis shoes and the wrong flip-flops. For instance, I have started running again, training for an 8K on Thanksgiving. I have ran for roughly two weeks, and on my third week, my knees and calves started hurting. It could be a number of factors that caused this, such as my diet (not eating enough protein), lack of stretching before and after a run, no weight training, my form, or my shoes. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a female and shoes are heavenly or if it really is my sheos don’t support me when I run. I want to believe it’s my shoes because, well, I would like new shoes. Even though it isn’t about being fashionable while running, shoes are still very important. They are the detail that you should always pay attention to. My running shoes could be the thing that turns my run from a meh 2.5 miles to a WOW 3.5 miles. And, I notice other people’s running shoes, so I’m sure they glance at mine.

I think this whole running experience just reaffirms how important shoes are. Another good example, job interviews. Whenever you go to a job interview, you know you pretty much have to wear a suit. It’s a formal occasion and a business suit is the right outfit for it. Many women will suffer through great, closed-toe, high heels for a day because it ties the whole outfit together. I’ve done it too, and it really does make a difference. The shoe says a lot. The clicks from the high heels when you walk on that hard floor just says to the interviewer that you are taking it serious. After all, not many people will wear high heels for just any occasion. High heels say that you want to impress someone even if it’s just a stranger when you’re walking down the street.

Now that I’ve re-learned that shoes are very important, I’m on a new quest to buy more shoes. The challenge is finding good, stylish shoes that will last longer than a single season and can be worn at least 10 times. Some people may find this easier to do than others (and if you’re one of them, please give me your secrets because I’m lost), but I’m not one of those people. First part of the challenge, I have small feet. I’m a 5 1/2 shoe size. Second, I don’t have a lot of money so I can’t buy high end shoes that are well built. Third, I don’t like shoe shopping because I always feel like the store doesn’t have my size or the shoe is too expensive. If you have any tips about where to buy or what kind of shoe to buy, please let me know because I need that kind of help. Oh, and if you know anything special about boots, please let me know ASAP because it’s fall and winter comes fast in Chicago.

In conclusion…

Wear the right shoes for the outfit
Wear good running shoes
Buy new running shoes and boots asap

5 year high school reunion

igodoy — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:35:13 +0000

Today, I was invited to my 5 year high school reunion via Facebook. I went to high school in a St. Paul suburb, and, I think, I graduated with 400-500 people. White people ruled the school. After looking at the Facebook invite list, there were 3 Black people, 2 Latinos, and 5 Asians. I know there were more Asians who graduated with me- a lot of them were Hmong- but weren’t seen on the Facebook invite list. Combining only those three racial minorities, the total was probably 5% of the class. To fit in, I had to be pretty White American even if I was Brown on the outside.

This next tidbit isn’t normal to Chicagoland (I currently reside in the city) public schools. In Chicagoland, children get split up whenever they move to the next school. In Minnesota, I went to elementary school, junior high school, and high school with some of the same people. I remember seeing another kid throw-up in our elementary school carpeted hallway by the cafeteria/gym. For me, I’ve known some of these people for 13 years. We may not have been friends, but I’ve known them for that long. Other people who graduated with me, I met in junior high or high school, but with a class of 200-300 people, you get to know who everyone is even if it’s only by name and face.

Growing up, I never wanted to live in Minnesota for the rest of my life. I always wanted to live closer to my family, and most of them lived in Chicago suburbs. I didn’t even look at any nearby colleges my junior and senior year. I wanted to get away from my hometown and everyone I knew. Without knowing it at the time, I hated high school. Is it just me or does everyone hate high school too?

I haven’t talked to anyone from high school for roughly four years which coincides with when I moved to Chicago. Out of my clique of people in high school, many of them haven’t gone that far in life. One is already married and I’m unsure if she graduated from college or not. I doubt she did. One still hangs out with only people from high school or people she met during high school. One is in community college studying to become a hair stylist. One is married and recently graduated from University of Wisconsin- River Falls. I have one friend who did something bigger. She’s currently in law school. All of them still reside in Minnesota. Let me clarify one thing, we weren’t that strong of a clique. Some people were closer than others in that clique and there are more people in it- I just don’t care what happens to them. I was just kind of there because I didn’t really have anyone else. I didn’t really have a high school best friend. Now, I don’t have anything to bring me back to my high school.

As you can probably tell, my RSVP is “no.” I have no interest in catching up with people I don’t like and people I barely remember. A part of me does want to go; only to make sure that I made it further in life than a lot of other people have. It’s petty, I know, but why else are there so many movies where the reunion is always about showing other people up? There’s that reason and to hook up with someone from high school, and I have no interest in that. The only way I would go is if Sam came with me so we could make fun of the people who were in my class. Also a petty reason but it would be a lot of fun. Lucky for him, it’s the day before Thanksgiving, and neither one of us is going to miss out on his family’s food for my meaningless high school reunion. Plus, we have the Turkey Trot.

To me, I’m really only impressed by the people who have left Minnesota. I’m always impressed by people who leave their home states because it shows that you’re willing to go out of your comfort zone and experience something completely different. It shows that you’re want to grow. After 5 years, what else is there to be impressed about?

Looking to the future, I’m not sure if I will ever go to any high school reunions. What compels people to go? What’s so great about re-living high school? TV dramas and comedies about high school is enough for me. I don’t want to go through the emotional roller-coaster that was my high school life again.

They say it’s good to have goals…

igodoy — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:41:09 +0000

I don’t know where I’ve heard it, but I know it’s old advice. I often revise my lifetime goals/momentous occasions even after writing them down. I also say momentous occasions because some of them are not necessarily a goal, but something I wold like to happen in my lifetime. Hopefully, after sharing them with all of you, I’ll commit to these ones.

Write a book.
Run a marathon.
Get married.
Have children.
Skydive.
Learn to drive (now that I’m 23, it’s become a goal).
Own a house.
Get a doctorate.
Win a prestigious accolade (equivalent of an Oscar to an actor).
Be immortalized (perhaps in a history book or a theory book).

Some of these are more difficult to achieve than others. I’m up for the challenge.

Matchmaker

igodoy — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 21:05:16 +0000

I like to play matchmaker with my friends. I’m not good at it, but I’m always on the lookout for potential between my friends. Generally, I want all my friends to be in relationships. Actually, I want them to be in good relationships, not just any relationship. I like to play matchmaker because I want everyone to feel what I feel for Sam (my boyfriend) and what he feels for me.

So…if any of you have friends who need help finding a boyfriend or girlfriend, let me know because I might want to play matchmaker with your friends. lol.

Figuring out how I feel about my ex

igodoy — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:46:25 +0000

I went to my cousin’s wedding this weekend where my ex-boyfriend and I have seen each other for the first time in three years.

Some history on my ex and me…

I was 18 and a freshmen in college and he was 20 on a hiatus from college. My cousin, the one whose wedding it was, introduced us through AIM. He gave me his phone number thinking I wouldn’t call. I was bored one day waiting for choir practice, so I called to pass the boredom. We continued to talk and eventually he drove 6 hours to meet me.

I lost my virginity to him that weekend. That weekend was the first time I knew what it felt like to be “in love.”

We become boyfriend/girlfriend for two weeks. He broke-up with me because he was turning 21 and wanted to go out without a girlfriend. 23 year old me would have told 18 year old me typical girl advice: he’s an asshole and don’t waste any more time on him. But I didn’t have 23 year old me and I didn’t have any girlfriends who would tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear. Ignoring all common sense, I called him all the time anyways. I called him for two years, and I slept with him for two more years. I told him I loved him every time we talked. I cancelled plans so I could see him. I was a pathetic girl who acted like she was in high school. He asked me to be his girlfriend one more time. It lasted less than a day.

Common sense would say that I should have ended it there, but I didn’t. I wanted to believe that my love for him could conquer any problem. It finally ended when I came up with an ultimatum. We would see each other for another month, and then decide if we were going to be together or not. We didn’t make it to the end of the month because I slept with someone else. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t have made a difference. We wouldn’t have lasted. And, the only way it would have ended was to sabotage it, so that’s what I did.

A few months after I started dating my boyfriend, I told my ex I couldn’t talk to him anymore so I could move on.

Roughly three years later, I see him at my cousin’s wedding. Correction- wedding reception. Our not-real-interaction was brief. I was walking to my table, and he was near the door. I gave him a smile, and he gave me nothing in return.

Everything would have been just peachy until I had a dream about him two days later. In the dream, we had an amicable talk.

Three days after the dream, I can’t stop thinking about him. We’ve both moved on, and I’m very happy with my life and my boyfriend. I know I could never be friends with my ex. I just miss the friendship we had, or maybe I miss the high school love. I don’t know what I miss, but I do know I miss something from whatever it is we had. I can’t bring it back without bringing back everything else. So, I’m stuck. I want to say “hi” or have a quick meal but I know I can’t. Or can I? Is it allowed to talk to your ex? Or is it better to remember how everything was?

I don’t think I could ever stop loving him. Love in the sense that I will always have a special place in my heart. I know I could never be in love with him or want to be friends. I think that’s what’s making this so difficult. I still care for him, but I can never be friends with him again. Sad, huh? To care but to never be friends.

I just wonder if I mean something to him or if it was like when we were together; I cared for him more than he did me… Can I ask him that?

Maybe I’ve never gotten over him and maybe I never will. The best thing to do is to forget him. I hope I’ll never have to see him again.